30 by 30

I recently read an article in Glamour magazine called "30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the Time She's 30". While some of the things that were named were pretty valid (own a decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone in your family) some of the others made me quake in my slippers (A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better). How unfair is THAT shit? So now there is this freaking deadline LOOMING over my head about how I am supposed to have this great relationship underway. There was also all this bullshit about how I should have this scandalous past so that I have something to talk about at parties. What the hell, Glamour? Frankly, I expected more from you.

I love how the entire world (especially the media) assumes that by 30 everything is completely figured out. Like the cute chubby Fairy Godmother from Cinderella comes by around 29 and zaps everything into place. My question is, WHERE THE HELL IS MY FAIRY GODMOTHER??? Ok, I know I'm only 25, but shit should be falling into place by now, right?

I've decided that being in your 20s is like being a reality star. Everyone is watching you and everyone expects you to behave a certain way. By your mid 20s you are supposed to be locked into a career, and have all these serious relationships under your belt, and have all these experiences and travels and glorious stories to tell Thursday nights at the bars. And that's another thing. There is this whole lifestyle that is expected of us 20 somethings. Not only are we supposed to be settling into our careers, we are supposed to be going out every night, either clubbing or drinking and still have time to do all the other "fabulous" mid-mid-life bullshit. Let me say for the record, that the LAST thing I want to do after a long day of work is get dressed and go to a bar. Not only do I hate being dressed after work (by 4:30pm pants should be optional) but I despise the bar scene. It is basically a meat market. Let me wear super uncomfortable clothes and pay a bunch of money for watered down drinks and then have sleezy guys stare at me and hit on me in terrible ways. It is inevitable that I get trapped talking to one of these dullards and he is too stupid to pick up on my sarcasm and blatant dislike of him. The topics that are usually discussed with these "men" are: my rainbow hair ("its super chill"), how green my eyes are, if I like The Foo Fighters or some other generic band (sorry, Dave Grohl), and the rest of the convo is geared towards quoting Anchorman. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Will Ferrell, but I don't need to spend my time quoting his delightful movies while in a seedy bar. Frankly its belittling and sad, and I always go home feeling like I need a wash in a HAZMAT shower.

So I decided to compose my own 30 things that the average (read "NOT NORMAL") woman should have or know by the time she is 30. Here they are in no order:

1. A friend you can fart in front of (that's devotion)
2.A pair of lucky undies
3. An IRA account (look at me acting like an adult!)
4. The ability to stand up for what you believe in (even if its something silly like Astrology)
5. A favorite recipe that you can make from scratch
6. A buddy at work (to help you through the hard times)
7. An old love letter
8. A piece of artwork you have created
9. A friend you can cry in front of
10. A signature scent
11. A favorite T-shirt
12. A person you can call in the middle of the night-no questions asked
13. A friend that makes you laugh till you pee
14. A movie that can cheer you up no matter what
15. A movie that can make you cry no matter what
16. A friend who is older and wiser
17. A body part that you love about yourself (bonus points if you have more than 1)
18. A secret "Alone" spot
19. A signature drink- whether its coffee, alcohol, or a smoothie.
20. A lady-like coat
21. A few "classic" books under your belt
22. A crazy hair color- even if you regret it looking back (rainbow forever!)
23. A piece of advice from your mom, sister, and/or grandma. They've been around, even if its not good advice, it will be insight into their lives.
24. A guy friend you can ask for boy advice.
25. A person in your neighborhood who is always there to flirt with you (the checkout boy, the Starbucks guy, etc).
26. An old teacher or boss who is willing to write an amazing recommendation letter (this can always come in handy)
27. A favorite song
28.   A childhood friend
29. Some vague idea of what you want to do for work (it is totally acceptable to want to be a waitress forever, as long as that is what you WANT to do)
30. A dream retirement location

I'm sure I've left some important things out, but I am also confident that none of that Glamour bullshit made it on the list. The last thing women in their 30s (or 20s or any age) need is to feel guilty for not having a bunch of wild stories or not landing the career of their dreams. Psh, screw that shit! I'm still proud of the mere fact that I made it out of high school alive! So let's muddle through this ambiguous bog that is our 20s together, and forget all the rules and expectations. (But do open an IRA. I hear that's actually important).